My mother Valerie with her mother Madge Brooker in 1931. At their home on the hills of Island Bay, Wellington, New Zealand’s capital.
May 14, 2023
Mother’s Day
Today is Mother’s Day in Australia, New Zealand, America and other countries. It is celebrated on the 2nd Sunday in May.
The past four years I’ve remembered my mother on Mother’s Day rather than contacted her. This is because my mother no longer with us.
She was a very good mother.
My mother Valerie Jean Elley died on Sunday January 19, 2020 aged 91 in Auckland, New Zealand
My mother Valerie Jean Elley died on Sunday January 19, 2020 aged 91 in Auckland, New Zealand. Mum was born on 20 October 1928. This blog series is in memory of my mother.
I started writing blog articles about my mother before her death because I knew she was in the last part of her life. I didn’t know she was that close to death and would die the next day.
The article below was written before mum died.
Ongoing sibling conflicts
One thing my mother and father would be very concerned about is how sibling rivalry and ego amongst my younger siblings has destroyed their family relationships. This was going on long before my parents died.
This type of problem is as old as antiquity. It started in Genesis when Cain and Abel has very serious, and ultimately fatal, sibling issues. King Solomon had serious sibling issues. John Wesley’s wife was domestically violent towards him. Joseph, son of Jacob, was poorly treated by his brothers. King Herod had very serious issues with his sons.
In my family the roots, causes and outcomes of the sibling problems are complex, historical, sometimes primal and overall very sad.
My parents views and feelings have been disregarded, disrespected and trampled on from a long time ago to this day.
I’m not talking here about domestic violence or any physical violence. In my family the bad deeds are done in a more sophisticated manner. Through manipulation, hatred, un-forgiveness and on-gong malice.
We were not brought up by my parents to be this way.
My parents are certainly not the cause of the situation. Nor am I.
The fractures emanate from a fractures and broken relationships between my sister Margaret and brother Fergus.
I’ve lived in Australia for 43 years and have mainly kept out of it.
It is unlikely the situation will be resolved before we all die.
Comments in 2022:
Appreciating our parents
As an older man aged 65, I can reflect on a long life. My mother Valerie used to say to me as a child, “Donald, appreciate your grandparents. One day they’ll be gone.”
So it is in 2022, that not only my grandparents have gone many decades ago, but my dear parents have passed also. My mother more recently in 2020. My father in 2012.
Old school values
In this series, you’ll read about a lot of old-school Biblical values, which have largely been lost and forgotten in this age of hedonism, self-focus, self-gratification and vanity.
My parents Valerie and Don Elley with my sister Margaret and me in Wanganui, New Zealand in 1958. Wanganui East Presbyterian Church was my father’s first parish.
Blog article of Saturday January 18, 2020. The day before my mother’s death.
My mother Valerie Jean Elley, known as Val Elley, lives in an Auckland, New Zealand aged-care hospital, aged 91.
Mum has advanced Alzheimers (dementia) and hasn’t recognised anyone for four years, even those who visit her regularly. Mum is now skeletal weighing 35kg. She is sleeping 24/7 and barely responsive. Mum has been in a similar state for a year.
Mum had blood issues for many decades including Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia and high blood pressure. Dementia is a degenerative brain disease. Mum’s long-standing blood issues, her heart and brain’s ageing process, and the supply and quality of blood to her body and brain slowly diminishing, have contributed to her dementia.
Irrespective of mum’s health issues, she has lived a long, full, very active and productive life.
My mother Valerie Jean Elley aged 20.
My mother said to me, “I’d rather burn out than rust out”
My mother Valerie was a constant hard-worker throughout her life. Mum was constantly moving and doing things, even into her 80s. Mum had tremendous energy. Mum was a doer.
Sometimes, when mum told me the doctor’s examination had revealed high blood pressure or when she was diagnosed with Chronic Lymphatic Leukemia in her seventies, I’d say to mum, “Mum, you should slow down a bit”. Mum always said to me, “I’d rather burn out than rust out”.
Mum had high blood pressure from her 40s. Mum was a bit of a worrier. Yet she had great faith. When mum said to me, “I’d rather burn out than rust out” in her forties, I was worried she might die young. It disturbed me when she wouldn’t slow down.
Mum was unable to slow down and in the end mum both burnt out and rusted out. Her slow death from dementia was a long, slow rust-out.
My father Rev Reuben Donald Elley’s death
My father, Rev Reuben Donald Elley, known as Rev Don Elley, died in August 2012. Dad lived to 87. Dad would have lived longer if he hadn’t had long-term diabetes from the 1960s. Diabetes takes an average of ten years off a person’s life.
Dad’s father Jim Elley lived to 94. Dad could have lived to a similar age without his diabetes which he had from his late 30s.
Dad and mum at their wedding in 1955.
My mother and father were both trained Christian pastors and viewed themselves as a Christian ministry team
My mother and father were both trained Christian pastors and viewed themselves as a Christian ministry team. Presbyterian pastors are called “ministers”.
Mum and dad were very close and very godly
Mum and dad were very close.
When I visited them in Howick, Auckland, New Zealand, I’d hear them having long conversations in their bedroom, often late at night.
Mum and dad were very godly people. The salt of the earth.
Mum and dad’s theological pastoral training at Knox Theological College in Dunedin
My father was a leading New Zealand Presbyterian clergy for over fifty years. My mother was a theological college trained Deaconess. Deaconess was the name for female clergy in the New Zealand Presbyterian church until the 1970s. Deaconesses couldn’t preach in the pulpit or lead communion.
The male minister led the Elders (church spiritual leaders) and Session (church business leaders). Deaconess’ could teach in all other sectors of the church, do pastoral care visitations and lead women and children.
From the 1970s women could do the full pastor’s portfolio and be ordained as full pastors and lead a church independently.
My mother was offered the full pastor’s ticket in the 1970s but declined. She was happy supporting my father. She wasn’t a strong public speaker.
My mother and father trained at Knox Theological College in Dunedin in New Zealand’s deep south. They met there and fell in love.
My father Rev Donald Elley and mother Valerie Elley circa 1970;
Mum was small in stature and physique but big in heart
My mother was small in stature and physique, like her mother and father. Like her parents, mum was very strong internally, had great faith and was very loving.
When I visited my parents in New Zealand, my mother would say, “Hey my big son, my first-born…come here and give your mum a big hug”. So I’d wrap my mum in my arms and give her a big, long bear hug.
My mother Valerie was a true Christian servant of mankind
Mum was a true Christian servant of mankind.
Mum and dad in the 1970s
Mum’s servanthood started with my father
Mum’s servanthood started with my father. Dad needed lifelong care from the time he got diabetes in the 1960s aged in his late 30s. Mum made sure dad was loved, cared for, listened to, had his meals on time with healthy foods, had his insulin injections on time and so on.
Mum was my father’s closest friend and confidante.
Mum and dad at St Andrews Presbyterian Church, Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia in the 1980s when they were pastoring there. Note the Malaysian clothing they were wearing.
Mum’s great love of her children
Mum’s Christian love and service then extended to her four children. This is a correct Biblical approach to human relationships. First a lifelong commitment to one’s spouse, then to one’s children, then to one’s ministry, then to others.
I am the oldest child born in 1956, now aged 63. My sister Margaret is 18 months younger, aged 61, followed by my brother Fergus, aged 58, and sister Fiona aged 57.
Mum’s devotion to her grandchildren
My mother Valerie was very devoted to her family. This extended to her sixteen grandchildren.
There are seven great-grandchildren, most born since mum’s dementia. Mum would have been interested in, and fascinated by them too, if she knew what was going on.
My mother’s current state (on January 18, 2020)
My mother is in the last phase of her life. It’s likely she’ll pass away this year. Mum is skeletal and weighs 35kg. Mum sleeps most of the time and is barely responsive. The battery of her life is waning flat. She has been like this for a year.
Mum was extremely supportive of me when I was very sick for several years with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome from May 2008
Mum was extremely supportive of me when I was very sick for several years with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome from a work-related stress burnout. This was from May 2008 to 2011. I almost died twice from pneumonia in 2008 as my immune system had collapsed.
Without mum I don’t know how I would have gone during this time of illness. Mum was very helpful to me on the phone from New Zealand. Mum would speak God’s words of comfort and faith to me every time in a quiet, humble yet prophetic way.
God always supplies what help is needed
I’ve found in life that God always supplies what help is needed when we go through a hard time. If we look to Him in faith and prayer, He will help us. He will even help us, His children, when we do not know or do not ask. He knows our needs and knows our travail. He knows what to do and what we need.
My mother Valerie and me in Wanganui, New Zealand in 1957.
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